just fucking use kubernetes

2025-07-01T12:46:33Z

You want to run containers?

JUST FUCKING USE KUBERNETES.

Obvious satire

If you don't like harsh language this is not the post for you.  Obviously

ripping off motherfuckingwebsite.

ThIs is AI SLoP

If you don't like if you can fuck off to the next post, I'm having fun here,

but satire is not my strong suit and needed some help.

“But it’s complicated!” #

Shut up. Close twitter and fucking do something. Life is complicated. You know what else is complicated? Email. DNS. Life. Kubernetes is the least painful way to orchestrate containers at scale. Docker Compose is for your laptop.

Swarm is dead.
Nomad is just sad.
Systemd units? Get out of here.

“But my app is small!” #

SO IS YOUR AMBITION. You could write a bunch of bash scripts and hope they work on prod. You could SSH into servers and handcraft your infra like it’s 2011. Or you could just fucking use Kubernetes and sleep at night.

I can just throw my script in crontab #

Tell that to your boss when your cronjob failed 16 times in the last week without anyone noticing. kubernete makes it fucking simple, want retry ask for it. Hanging script, activeDeadlineSeconds that bitch. Connecting to six other services in your shitty ass infrastructure this shit retries automatically.

“I don’t need autoscaling!” #

Cool. Tell that to your boss when the CEO tweets your link and the site goes down harder than your last date.

“But YAML is ugly!” #

So is your Terraform, your Ansible, your Prometheus config, your custom CI/CD scripts written in Bash, and the spaghetti you called a monolith before you went microservices and made it worse.

“Kubernetes is too heavy!” #

Compared to what?

Your handcrafted, artisanal, single-node LXC setup running on an Intel NUC from 2014?

Heard of k3s? k0s? No. These fuckers will have you running kubernetes running on your grandpas goddamn gateway 2000 right next to AOL messenger without splooging out the the ashes of his Marlboro Reds.

SSH? #

You don’t need no goddam ssh to install your 200lb gorilla editor so you can hand edit your init files and carefully contruct your init system. This is kubernetes, you use the fucking api, all you need is a connection and a kubeconfig. This motherfucker runs containers so you can keep your bitch-ass editor where it belongs, off the fucking host machine!

“What if it’s overkill?” #

What if YOU are underkill?

“How do I do zero-downtime deploys?” #

Probes my dude, you fucking probe your shit. Rolling out a new deployment kubernets won’t cut over to your broke ass release if that shit don’t pass. No more writing janky scripts that SSH into prod and run git pull while praying to the CI/CD gods.

“What if I still fuck it up - How do I roll back?” #

k9s is your best friend, pop that shit open find your broke ass deployment, jump owner to the replicaset and roll that bitch back to the working shit.

I need to scale #

This shit is built in, add a goddamn replica or 6 for fuck sake, need autoscaling use the HPA. This aint your granpas hand fucking crafted pet server, its fucking cattle. Load balancing just fucking happens, don’t think about it just use it, and it will work for your six goddamn friends that actually use your shit.

I want gitops #

Let me introduce you to argocd, this fucker uses helm so one fucking command and your ass is on the beach while your dev team deploys their own shit.

USE KUBERNETES #

It fucking works.
Everyone else is using it.
There are like 500 open-source projects built just to make it easier.
It runs on your laptop, your server, the cloud, and inside your dreams.
It will make your resume better.

Not convinced? #

Here’s your alternative stack:

A bash script that restarts Docker when it dies.
A Makefile that deploys via SCP.
A cron job that prays to the log gods.
A wiki page explaining how to debug your hand-rolled bullshit.
You. Crying.

Posts tagged: satire